Forecasts for December

If you say “The next album/series/film is a lot darker and hopefully more interesting,” your fans will wish you’d stuck to what you do best.

If you say “Good morning, how may I help you?” more than five times in the same hour, your good-morning wish is insincere, as is your supposed desire to help.

If you say “Milton Keynes? Concrete cows!” you are trying too hard to be liked. Relax.

If you say “I really don’t want anything,” you are forcing loved ones to doubly second-guess you.

If you say “It’s like the United Nations in there,” it is not like the United Nations in there.

If you say “I’m not going to burn my bra or anything,” it’s OK: nobody expects you to burn your bra or anything.

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